Bangkok Naked: Now and Then Read online

  BANGKOK NAKED!

  1980 – 2017

  Now and Then

  By Diamond Jack

  Copyright

  Diamond Jack –Short Time Productions (2017)

  The right of Diamond Jack to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved; no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without written permission of the Publisher. The book may not be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, without the prior written consent of the Publisher.

  No responsibility for loss occasioned to any person or corporate body acting or refraining to act because of reading material in this book can be accepted by the Publisher, by the Author or by the employer(s) of the Author.

  Certain images copyright.

  Diamond Jack Hughes

  Bangkok Naked

  Text Copyright @2017

  Published by Short Time Productions

  All Rights Reserved

  WHAT READERS SAID ABOUT BANGKOK NAKED!

  I read somewhere that only one in a thousand readers posts a review, so many thanks to those would have kindly taken the trouble to make an honest appraisal of Bangkok Naked – it is appreciated !

  “Entertaining book throughout. It reminded me of my (mis)adventures in the 90s. I look forward to the follow up book!”

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  “This is a rough, unpolished, but thoroughly enjoyable memoire of a first trip to the Land of Smiles. It resonated with me because, like the author, my first trip there occurred about the same time, and because I had many of the same “have I died and gone to heaven” reactions as he describes.

  The fact that this was not written by a professional author, but by a “normal” guy who might sit next to you at a Patpong bar adds not only to its credibility but also to it’s humour. It’s a good read, and envoked lots of good memories for me”

  …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

  SPECIAL DEDICATION

  This book is dedicated to the memory of the late Paul Martin who was my mentor on those early forays to Asia.

  PM was a great friend and all round good bloke, but has now sadly gone to that big massage parlour in the sky. Even so, I will continue to raise a glass of Singha to his memory whenever I am in his second home, the infamous Nana Hotel Coffee Shop.

  Rest in peace old son, this world is a poorer place for your passing.

  The other part of the original trio of intrepid pork swordsmen, Graham “Flash” Gordon (aka the infamous “Beast of Bangkok”) is also missing from active duty in Thailand these days, which is due to an unfortunate case of terminal “hen pecking” by his dear Memsahib - the lovely Vanessa.

  In Flash’s sad case, his ever-thoughtful wife has most unreasonably put a stop to his jaunts to South East Asia. This ban is justified in her little mind, on the grounds that with unlimited erotic sexual delights on offer, it might turn his head and lead her innocent “other half” astray.

  Darling Vanessa is about forty years too late in my view to worry about her hubby’s moral compass, but sadly another of the top lads bites the dust.

  These halcyon days, Mr. Gordon leads an exciting suburban lifestyle. The lad is apparently busy washing his new BMW and deadheading the roses in the garden of his executive mock Tudor residence each weekend rather than playing “hide the sausage” with various Asian ladies of the night - how the mighty have fallen.

  We all miss you Flashman, but life is a bit quieter without you!

  Both these guys were the very best of travelling companions and are sadly absent from Amy’s Soapy Massage Emporium and all the many other famous Thai watering holes in 2017.

  It would also be churlish not to also give heartfelt thanks to all the many beautiful girls who made our many vists to the “Land of Smiles” over a long thirty-six-year period so unforgettable.

  You touched our hearts, touched our wallets and also touched various parts of anatomy that we will examine in more graphic detail later in this publication.

  Thanks ladies (and ladyboys), without you all the following book would be missing its main love (or perhaps lust) interest.

  Lastly, I really appreciate the patience and good humour of the staff of my local UK coffee shop, which have supplied endless great drinks, free Wi Fi and put up with me tapping away on a laptop for hours on end whilst trying to record our adventures for this modest tome.

  However many copies this book sells, I doubt it will cover the cost of all those endless double espressos and apricot croissants – but who cares?

  Money is not everything….

  Now in these Health + Safety conscious days of 2017, here is an important public health warning from the Nanny State. Even as I write these words, I am sure some overpaid EU Bureaucrat or UK civil servant is drafting a Code of Conduct for Sex Tourists all at the long-suffering taxpayer’s expense of course.

  BEWARE all those readers, male or female, who decide to venture to the Land of Smiles.

  Go to Thailand and your life will never be quite the same again.

  Way back in the day, a famous racing driver once said that the only time you really lived was in a fast car, at high speed and lapping on the very ragged edge of adhesion.

  The rest of life was just waiting for the next time on the circuit – the same could be said for South East Asia.

  After sampling this endless smorgasbord of sexual and exotic excitement, everything else fades into insignificance and for many of us it is a matter of just passing time and counting the days until the next trip.

  Sometimes the anticipation can be nearly as good as the real thing.

  OK that was a slight exaggeration, but remember when you were a youngster how exciting the build up to Christmas Day was? Well, this is the same sensation for adults when waiting for that plane to touch down at Bangkok International Airport.

  The good news is there is no hanging about until December and it is you, rather than Santa, who may come down the chimney (or anywhere else you fancy, for that matter).

  Asia gives you a different perspective on things, that can easily become an enjoyable addiction. It is a delightful, but insistent itch without cure, that only a vist to BK will satisfy.

  My advice is don’t try and fight it, but lie back in the warm soapy water and get scratching!

  Enjoy it while you can – life is too short to deny yourself the many pleasures of the Orient in my view.

  “Diamond” Jack Hughes

  CONTENTS

  Chapter One - A Big Thai Surprise

  Chapter Two - The Land of the “Butterfry”

  Chapter Three – First Taste of Oriental Delights

  Chapter Four - One Night in Bangkok

  Chapter Five - Two’s Company, Three is Better

  Chapter Six - Get Them Out for the Lads

  Chapter Seven - Flash’s Perfect Day

  Chapter Eight - Love All or Balls to You

  Chapter Nine - Operation Cobra

  Chapter Ten - Clap Hands, Here Comes Flash

  Chapter Eleven - Don’t Worry; You Will Just Feel a Small Prick

  Chapter Twelve - The Lady in Yellow


  Chapter Thirteen - Going Down Under

  Chapter Fourteen - Look Mum, No Hands

  Chapter Fifteen - I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

  Chapter Sixteen - Short Back and Sides, Sir?

  Chapter Seventeen - The PM’s Twenty Point Survival Guide

  Chapter Eighteen - What Has Really Changed from 1980 to 2017?

  Chapter Nineteen - A Happy Ending

  Chapter Twenty - Bangkok Nude (2017) – A Preview

  A Brief Glossary of Terms used in this Book:

  Back Scuttling, Sludge Gulper - A rather graphic term, describing some special O + A services from a versatile young lady (or ladyboy!)

  Beer Garden/ Lady Bars – These are street bars, often with pool tables and waitresses available to take out. Drinks can be cheaper than the Go-Go bars and sometimes a bit quieter without the mega decibels churned out by some demented DJ in the clubs, therefore giving you a better chance of retaining your some of your hearing and sanity in later life.

  BJ Bars –The clue is in the title. Besides drinking, your female companion(s) may offer you a chance to enjoy the pleasures of an expert “gob job” in a dark corner – all for the price of a modest round of ale back home. It beats the hell out of pub games like dominoes for a night out, so what is there not to like?

  Balloon Chaser – These are gate crashers who target any places with balloons outside showing there is a party going on and take the opportunity to liberate any free drink or food. Some Expats have made this virtually an artform!

  Civilians – Farang Mug Punters.

  Coyote Dancers – Also dance around chrome poles, but usually better looking and superior performers to the regular Go Go Girls, They are not always available to bar fine, some will go to your hotel for a large fistful of baht, if they like you - they earn enough dancing to be choosey.

  Donkey – A less than attractive lady friend.

  The Enemy – Wife/girlfriend or anyone of a female gender who might unreasonably, not appreciate your night-time (and day-time) antics in the “Land of Smiles”.

  Farang – Someone of Western or non-Thai origin.

  Farm Fresh – A favourite saying, describing young girls new to the city and red light industry. Many come from up country, often the rural poorer North East Province.

  Flash/The Flashman/Beast of Bangkok = Graham Gordon

  Freelancers – They work the coffee shops, clubs and streets. As the name suggests, not tied to a particular massage parlour or bar.

  Go- Go Girls - Dance around a silver pole in a state of partial or complete undress. Most are available to bar fine as a “take away”.

  Hand Massage – A bone cracking massage from head to foot. Not erotic, but good after a long flight or physical exertions - often available with a “happy ending”.

  “Hansum Man” – All of you readers, if you are walking past a bar with girls acting as barkers outside. Do they mean me? In this case, yes!

  Hi-So Girls – These are the top end of the Thai female social scale. Called Hi-So (or High Society), you tend to find them in the better restaurants or late night discos at the top end hotels. These young ladies are into designer labels, fast cars and maybe you will get into them, if there is enough cash around. Their company can get expensive, even for us “two week” millionaires…

  Hobbyists – These are ordinary girls who do the occasional naughty when they need to boost their finances. Can be in regular jobs such as a student, secretary, receptionist or shop assistant during the day, but will do the odd discrete session of nocturnal horizontal dancing with Khun Farang in his hotel room for some of the folding stuff.

  Ketiow – A Cheap Charlie i.e. mean with money.

  Khun – The polite Thai equivalent of Mr or Ms and put in front of your Christian name i.e. Khun Paul.

  Lady Drinks – Overpriced, small glasses of cola or alcohol bought in the bar by punters for their latest girlfriend who may have just finished dancing around a silver pole. LBGs get commission, so they may appear extra thirsty!

  LBG – Little Brown Girl.

  LBFM - Little Brown Fucking Machine. This was a term used by American GIs during the Vietnam War. (True in many cases, but maybe a touch uncouth….)

  Long Time – All night booking.

  Mamasan/Papasan – the female or male bar, club or massage parlour manager.

  Motorcycle Taxis – the fastest way around town, if you have nerves of steel, full health insurance and a death wish. A good cure for constipation!

  “No Hands” Restaurant – A Thai version of a Geisha House, where the girls feed and hold your drinks. You then conveniently have both hands free for other, more pleasing matters….

  Oil Massage – similar to a Soapy, but a bit messier!

  PM/The President – Paul Martin.

  Prickly Heat Powder - Most massage parlours had tins of this stuff in the eighties. It smells a bit medicated, but has fond memories to most of us Thai “Old Hands”.

  Saluk – You will hear this term from Bar + Massage girls, it means fun or having a good time. If it is not “Saluk” - the Thais don’t do it!

  Star Fish – A female companion who lacks enthusiasm for sex and lies back with legs open, thinking of Thailand (or more likely the money..)

  STW- Soapy Tit Wank –A novel way to get a “hands free” happy ending during a massage in the suds.

  Short Time – A quick nookie session.

  Short Time Hotel – Often located in the red-light areas of town, available for a swift “entertaining” session. They vary in the state of cleanliness on offer.

  Speciality Acts - often staged in the clip joints upstairs in Patpong. You may never fancy another egg or courgette, after you see up close and personal what these little beauties do with the contents of your lunchbox

  Spinner – A suitably small sized female companion able to do propeller impressions on your manhood.

  Tilac – Darling

  TIT – This is Thailand

  Tuk Tuk – a three wheeled transport in Bangkok that is expensive, hot, dirty and dangerous. Popular with the tourist mug punters.

  Wai – A Thai way of giving respect or thanks. Used instead of a handshake.

  Walking ATM – How the financials work. You make a deposit, if she gets a withdrawal.

  Yum Yum – Asian slang term for a Blow Job.

  INTRODUCTION

  The year is 1980 and Mrs Thatcher has recently come to power.

  There is industrial unrest in the air, the UK has been dubbed “The Sick Man of Europe” and Disco is King. You cannot turn any radio on without hearing Donna Summer or heaven forbid, the Bee Gees giving it large!

  At this time, I had been working in travel publishing for a number of years and clocked up an impressive tally of air miles, but had not ventured beyond the Bamboo Curtain and into South East Asia before. This was all to change after a chance conversation with a business colleague, the redoubtable Paul Martin.

  In just a few short months, we were on that first foray to the land of unlimited pussy and a life altering experience.

  In this world, you meet some people you like, a few you cannot stand at any price and tiny number who you have an instant connection with and a natural strong bond that never changes.

  In this case, PM was one of that latter rare breed.

  We immediately had common ground in a number of areas like music, girls, sport, girls, business, girls and most importantly-more girls!

  Being an experienced Far Eastern Pork Swordsman, The President knew both the region and a number of its female inhabitants intimately. But perhaps more importantly, he seemed to understand the mind-set of the local population probably better than any other westerner I have met before or since.

  As an Asian “Virgin”, the plan was to organise my education with a two-week initial red light offensive covering Bangkok, Pattaya and Manila during February 1980. This initial campaign was mapped out in meticulous detail after many long “business” lunches in London and numerous ses
sions in PM’s Piccadilly office after work discussing “strategy”. On this first adventure, we were to be joined by another newbie in the shape of a good mate of mine, Graham “Flash” Gordon.

  As both young, single guys, Graham and myself had spent a lot of time chasing young women around the capital, but unfortunately not catching too many. Flash felt our lack of current success in the totty stakes put us at risk of repetitive strain injuries from nightly vists from Mrs Palm and her five, lovely daughters. So, he was up for a Far East jaunt or as the lad so charmingly described it “to get some dirty water off his chest”.

  Paul explained help was at hand (bad choice of words) and it was difficult NOT to pull in the part of the world we were heading for. so the excitement and anticipation grew as the departure date slowly inched closer.

  This book is brief record of those heady days of 1980 in the “Land of Smiles “and how things have changed (or not) thirty-six or so years later.

  Let me say at the start, this is not meant to be a “How to Survive in ThaiIand” type guide. There are enough of these about and I am not qualified to write one anyway.

  I would recommend readers interested start off by taking a look at the infamous Stickman’s weekly blog on www.stickmanweekly.com. for up to date info goings-on in the current bar scene and happenings from Thailand.

  This excellent long running website, contains a long list of articles written by expats and is highly recommended.

  Being a regular visitor to the Kingdom over more than three decades these are some tales from our first adventures. All are an accurate portrayal of real happenings with just the odd name changed in a few cases to protect both the guilty and the hopelessly depraved.

  Maybe what follows could save a few first-timers and perhaps even some more experienced visitors, making expensive and obvious mistakes.

  In a small way, it may help to take the place of a personal guide like Paul, whose invaluable expertise Flash and I enjoyed on all our early forays. Hopefully it can also give you a “heads up” on a few important areas and steer you away from some of the regular scams and rip-offs.